doc noland Funny Status Messages

   The Mayans were right. There will be no new year this year, first sign...D!ck Clark is dead.

   I can't believe we wasted star wars technology on tupac

   BREAKING: Tupac died again today when a member of his posse tripped over the extension cord.

   I have come to realize that the only reason I eat taco bell is so I can light my own cigarette with my butthole.

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   Wine gets better with age? Obviously wasn't an alcoholic that figured that out.

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   Ok, just heard this on a radio... "Up next is Justin Bieber's Boyfriend." My suspicions are confirmed.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   So my Twitter machine started making this odd noise and vibrating and the words "Incoming Call" were on my screen. What the hell is THAT?!?!

   We get MLK Day off but not Good Friday...Dying for a dream trumps dying for our sins!

   When I am in an extra big hurry I take a "Doc Bath" and rub each nipple with a wet Certs.

   It's been 18 years since Kurt Cobain died in case you were waiting for his corpse to become legal.

   When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

   Had I known how difficult it was to get old people's smell out of a mattress, I never would've gone cougar hunting at the retirement home.

   Right now I wondering if I would have never been conceived, if it weren't for the Doobie Brothers.

   I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German..

   Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

   Every time I see the car commercial with the family singing Crazy Train, I wonder if Ozzy Osbourne thinks to himself, "Azsedgbhnmiolp!"