Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class

   Treat others how you'd like to be treated.... That's right McDonalds, So give me more frigging sauce for my McNuggets

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   "My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.

   I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

   I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

   Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!

   I think about that Harry Potter line "the wand chooses the wizard" every time I'm reading a McDonald's menu.

   SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep

   My engine brings all the mechanics to the yard,,, and I'm like, You better fix cars...

   "PLAY FREE BIRD!" -Me, drunk, at the Symphony

   My super power is making conversations awkward by constantly adjusting my nuts while you talk.

   Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

   Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich

   Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.