Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.

   Look me in the lazy eye and tell me you love me. Other eye.

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.

   Animals that walk on two legs like humans should wear underwear.

   I really like what you've done with your crazy.

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   The more complicated the coffee order the more complicated the person.

   I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.

   How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   I couldn't handle life if I wasn't weird.

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   Sometimes when I see a married couple, it appears to me like two people joined together to become one desperately boring person.

   I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car.

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.

   January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.