Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.

   Wait. The US has a soccer team?

   It's not a mental breakdown if the police wasn't called.

   I've given my couch the best years of my life

   I like people... From a distance.

   Ladies if you want me, I'll be in the Friend zone driving under the speed limit as usual.

   Try as you might, ladies, giraffes will always have the deep throat category on lock.

   Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.

   Men that wear Crocs have seen every episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'

   A speed bump but made out of my ex.

   Not now, I'm busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.

   Have you tried wrapping your feelings in a tortilla?

   I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans

   BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!

   Sometimes you can get noticed by using wit and charm. Other times, stare in their window. Staring in their window always gets you noticed.

   I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?