Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.

   I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.

   My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.

   GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"

   (1st day in heaven)... Me: Whoa, is that Elvis?... Angel: No, it's an impersonator... Me: Wow, is that... Angel: Listen man, all we got is impersonators

   I don't need a thesaurus I know a lot of very very very good words

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

   Reasons I check my voicemail... 1% to hear the message... 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   Well, I learned this week that ya don't buy your Parmesan at the Dollar Tree.