JOser Funny Status Messages

   These are my Hammer pants; you can't touch them.

   Frankly, 'm surprised BP hasn't called Tiger Woods, given his expertise in filling golf holes

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   When the forecast mentions isolated thunderstorms, I always think, "Why so emo, thunderstorm?"

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!

   Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.

   Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to sh*t, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and sh*t my pants

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

   Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

   Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.

   A cop pulls a guy over for weaving in traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin?" The driver says, "You buyin?"

   Ed Hardy makes condoms now? Fine by me. I think we can all agree that anybody who buys one probably shouldn't breed.

   No you must have misheard. I said that the job was "below me".

   Either she's wearing last night's clothes or she had alcohol and shame for breakfast.

   Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line???

   I took my dog for a walk and played Frisbee with him, but he was useless. I really need to get a flatter dog.