jdpower Funny Status Messages

   Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.

   Dear Guys Named "Rhys" --Please tell us how it's pronounced already, or prepare to be known as "Buddy"

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   I'm putting together a crew for the Rapture, Just booked 4 Penske trucks for Sunday. I'm still in need of 2 drivers and 8 laborers. Meet me at the Wal-Mart parking lot at 6:00 AM Saturday, a BBQ will follow

   They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

   Wow, Paul McCartney got married again?! Really seems like this relationship has legs.

   "Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.

   You guys, hear, about these, rogue commas, going around?

   I blame Survivor for my inability to put out a tiki torch without saying, "the tribe has spoken."

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a mile in my slippers

   If my blood alcohol was Butler's shooting percentage, I could legally drive.

   Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Dwayne Johnson"

   There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a 'Don't eat me' note on it. Now there's an empty plate with a 'I don't take orders from cake' note on it.

   Experts say the snake that escaped from the Bronx Zoo may be seeking its natural habitat ..and is heading for Wall St.

   Trump wants Obama to show his birth certificate.. In other news, Trump is still trying to find all his marriage certificates.

   Somewhere in America, a guy at a CVS wisely and at the last minute, puts back the loofah

   The coolest part about wallet chains is that they let potential thieves know your wallet isn't worth stealing.

   Oprah embraces her half sister & brings her into the family. Tomorrow, I will be showing up as long lost brother - JD Winfrey

   New season of Jersey Shore to film in Italy.. To maintain balance in the universe, Italy will send 8 citizens to Fazoli's