huck Funny Status Messages

   A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.

   Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip

   85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me

   Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!

   When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

   I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

   If you look closely at my 13.1 sticker, you can see a tiny asterisk leading to another sticker that says " *ft."

   Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta

   I honestly think my dog feels almost no remorse at how messy she makes my house.

   Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

   What do I have to do to get out of work early? Will faking my death be sufficient? Because I'm totally up for that.

   if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning

   4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.

   People who have a meme for every Facebook comment scare me more than serial killers.

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.