@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! ..... And that's how I lost my pen1s.

   'One Direction's Zayn Malik vows to ditch the fags' - I didn't know he was planning on starting a solo career.

   I went back to see my doctor today. I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.” “Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked. I said, “On the bus.”

   My mate said he sells drugs to fat people - I guess that sounds more macho than admitting he works at McDonald's.

   My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” - So I immediately popped the question.

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.

   Apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP. Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country...

   Breast Awareness month: we stare because we care.

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

   Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry. But it's one that actually works.

   When my wife caught me using a pen1s enlargement cream, she laughed. I told her, "There's no need to rub it in."

   I've just seen an advert for a cruise offering "ocean views". That's a shame, I wanted to stare at the f-kin engine for a week!

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!"

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.

   Who's the best at Mud Wrestling... Girls from America or Girls from the UK? Only one way to find out... fiiiggghhhtt!....

   I take a viagr@ tablet every night before I go to sleep... stops me from rolling out of bed!

   My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need. At least that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.

   The Jeremy Kyle show........ The only place a baby has more teeth than all 4 of it's parents put together

   They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.