Baddie Funny Status Messages

   The mile high club is bullsh*t unless you're both anorexic!!

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.

   "Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please

   " How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.

   My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.

   Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   Just finding out that Nickelback has a greatest hits album very well may have ruined my entire day.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way