doc noland Funny Status Messages
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I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep
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Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!
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Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?
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Shout out to most of the Thundercats.
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Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?
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In this lifetime you either win the Triple Crown or you get tendinitis. You can't have both.
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Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?
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It's hangovers like this that make me wish I had a Life Alert.
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If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.
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One more foursquare check-in at McDonald's and Mayor McCheese gets to steppin'.
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Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.
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Shoved my cat in the garbage disposal and accidentally wrote the new Skrillex album.
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Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..
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Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.
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Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.
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promise, as a very white guy, to never say "Salt 'N Peppa" out loud.
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The effects that bath salts have been having give a whole new meaning to "Calgon · Take Me Away!"
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"Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my lumber so haul me maybe?" - Mexicans outside Home Depot.
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Its all fun and games till your both naked and someone is getting their face nawed on.
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I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.
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