JOser Funny Status Messages

   Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.

   Even if you preface it with "I think strippers smell nice", saying "You smell like a stripper" has a way of being misconstrued.

   You Canadians spell humor as "humour." American humor is better. We can do it without u.

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.

   HECK is where you go if you don't believe in GOSH

   LIFE; It's one damned thing after another

   I don't mind going to work. It's that 8 hour wait to go home that sucks!

   To save time, lets just assume I'm NEVER wrong!

   If your not barefoot, you're overdressed...

   there are two types of people in this world, pizza roll people and bagel bites people

   Facebook is doing maintenance on my account. I hope that means they're airbrushing my profile pics!

   today I : 1. asked old people for directions and deliberately walked the opposite way... 2. asked very obese people which gym they used...

   On a walk, my stepdaughter saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.

   I use really strong sunblock. It's SPF 100. I squeeze the tube and a sweater comes out.

   How come so many people Roll On The Floor *Laughing*? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   If age is just a number, can I get mine unlisted?

   I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to mess with Texas.

   Match.com says it's responsible for more dates leading to marriages that any other online site. And yet, it has no warning label.

   The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, "The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube."

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.