StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   LeBron as good as Jordan?! Ha! Call me when LeBron saves the Looney Tunes from an alien race.

   Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.

   If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.

   lways be yourself, unless you're that guy. Don't be that guy.

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   Roses are red, your body is fine, I know we just met, but your place or mine?

   Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   I wish there was a way to track down who got you sick so you can punch them in the face.

   My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

   I'm not saying my wife's a fat b*tch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.

   There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same

   Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

   I got thrown out of a children's fancy dress party because all I was wearing was a red T-shirt. Some people have obviously never heard of Winnie the Pooh.

   Apparently "I'm outta here, play on playa" is not the proper way to tell your boss you're leaving early.