JOser Funny Status Messages

   I wish more people would put their highways up for adoption. So many people want one and are unable to have their own.

   I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

   often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

   surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit !!!!!

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   Sure, I've done bad things in my life. But not "going to hell" bad. More like "Jesus is going to make me his b*tch in heaven" bad.

   When I'm drunk and in the woods, I always have the urge to try to juggle squirrels.

   I'd consider being a farmer. As long as I could live on the Pepperidge Farm, and raise Milanos.

   A psychiatrist is a highly paid baggage handler.

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."