Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   I used to have a tattoo of a ninja on my shoulder, well played tattoo ninja,,,,, well played

   I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike

   If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct

   There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this..

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   One of these days I'm going to show up at this WHO CARES hole-in-the-wall you just "checked in" on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.

   My dad thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Dick Clark just passed . LOL"

   God made everything + everything is made in China = God is Chinese???

   If I'm ever attacked by a gang of clowns, don't worry about me, cause I'll imediately "go for the juggler."

   The bad part about getting my hand stuck right now in a Pringles can is that I can't get it out,, because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

   Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.