Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

   Well APPARENTLY,,,, baby powder + water does not make a baby................... Myth,, BUSTED...

   You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.

   Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".

   So I'm in line at Walgreens,,, The lady ahead of me turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently,, I have a "Tell me if you have diarrhea" face..

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   Note to self: Feed lots of Mayo to the tuna first,,,,,,THEN butcher.

   Did you know ?? If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.... Medical fact.

   I'm no architect,,, but I DON'T think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.

   Hey,,,,Can any of you people possibly recommend 30 or 40 books on hoarding?

   One thing I've learned about myself after all this time on Facebook is that I have no idea how to use a comma.

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.

   Here we go... Very good... You're doing a great job of reading this post... Just passed the middle... Nearly there... Wonderful job... All done... And like it!

   Dear Catholic Church, the rhythm method is fine,,, but what about something for us white guys?

   I'm sad I'll never get to see the joy and confusion on some archeologist's face when, in a few thousand years, he tries to explain the "Shake Weight" ..

   WAIT,,,I Just read that grizzly bears can run faster than horses?. THEN WHY AREN'T WE RIDING GRIZZLY BEARS?

   This donut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions