Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I have a feeling that this Philip Philips guy is going to be huge if he can just figure out a way to get one more Philip into his name

   My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and actually, out popped a blanket.

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I'm actually a bass player.

   The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so no kid can escape.

   Shouldn't we really wait to hear from Adele's ex boyfriend before we take sides?..

   My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   Don't get fooled by the free toilet paper app., My phone is ruined now

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   Hey,, You know Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self.

   My life coach just advised me to,,, "run out the clock"

   Please print out and redeem this post at your local retailer to receive one free: "What the FRIG is this?"

   Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones.

   HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !

   I just ate at the Olive Garden for the first time. It felt just like being in Tuscany,, And by Tuscany,, I mean the break room of a Radio Shack

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees

   HAHA !!,, I just saw a picture of Katy Perry holding a guitar and it looked just like when I make my cat pretend he's typing

   Yesterday, Eugene Polly,, The inventor of the TV remote died.. I'd go to his funeral but it's WAY too far from my couch.

   I bought a teethbrush.... It's actually has saved me a lot of time.