Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

   It's weird how all the floor around my father is made of eggshells.

   I'm convinced that anyone driving the speed limit or slower is either 80+yrs. Or has drugs in their car...

   WAIT.... So the suicide hotline is only for prevention?,, and not for nominating people to kill themselves?.. Well this sucks,,, I filled out a list and everything.

   I wonder how many times Paula Deen's 1st husband plotted to kill her in her sleep, only to be foiled by his own laughter at her sleep farts.

   I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   Boycott IHOP!,,,, And only buy domestic.

   My most recent workout,, was trying to find that "starting edge" of the toilet paper roll.

   Forget flying cars... I want Futurama's complex system of air tubes that take us everywhere....Weeeee !

   I hate it when I forget I'm watching a show on DVR and I accidentally watch all the commercials.

   Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.

   Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is,, You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   I prefer to believe that Eleanor Rigby was really quite popular,, and that her funeral just happened to coincide with the "American Idol" finale.

   Anyone else with a Blackberry wanna play Draw Nothing?

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.