StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

   I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one. The crafty little kid.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

   Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

   There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment...

   I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that's good.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

   Just pulled on a nose hair super hard & one of my pubes disappeared.

   The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.

   Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

   At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think."