Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I just finished writing a book on monkeys... I DON'T recommend buying it though,,,,, monkeys make a TERRIBLE writing surface.

   Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

   I often pick my dog's poop up with an empty Baby-Ruth wrapper... What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

   If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person

   Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

   One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.

   I think we can probably stop worrying about who let the dogs out.... They're probably dead by now anyway.

   Pick a number between 6 and 6 that represents the number of doughnuts I have had today.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   Grumble,,grumble,,,,,, I'm just going to answer you in thrusting motions.

   My new 401k is just a pre-loaded gift card for Olde Country Buffet.. "Pretty smart, going with a buffet-style retirement plan" said my Schwab investment advisor.

   Full Disclosure: I stole all these words from the dictionary

   "Don't stop bereaving."..............Karaoke singer at a Japanese funeral..

   If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man... My superpower would be foiling crime

   HEY,, I've only have 26 letters to work with.... Don't expect miracles.

   If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.

   My Cunning plan: 1. Go to the elephant house in the zoo... 2. Shout IS NOBODY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?.. 3. Elephant high-five

   It's been a while,,,,, Has Bono EVER found,,,, What he's looking for?

   I Always carry $40,000 cash on me at all times,, You know,, in case I ever feel like getting a sandwich while I'm in the airport.

   In the year is 2024.. Justin Bieber's cover of Mambo #5 has topped the charts for the past 10 years and has been declared the National Anthem.