Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI : The "Supreme Court" is just the "regular court",, served with sour cream and tomatoes

   "I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone." -- God, when He made scorpions

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy fat-ass."

   I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?

   You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   I use a remote control for my car stereo because,,,,, Well,, You know,,,,, Who would EVER want to lean forward a little bit?...

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.................NOTHING,, cause he's just staring down at his phone

   I can thwart just about ANY knock knock joke by answering, "Just a minute!",,,,, or " Come in,, it's open! "

   Hey,,, guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes,,,,,, NOBODY likes you.

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   Hey,,,I say stuff, you should say stuff with me,, and then we'll have fun... M-kay?

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

   If I ever shot the sheriff, I'd probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.

   How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

   I'm gonna open a restaurant down in the Old-Port for singles - You'll just bring your own chinese food,, and for a small fee,,, I'll provide the sink for you to eat it over.

   I've been trying to improve some vegan recipes,, but so far all I've come up with is "add steak."