Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy.

   Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....

   Tip: If your parents are always criticizing you,,, ask them if the problem is bad genes or bad parenting.

   The Ten Commandments would be way more awesome if they just changed the first one to "Yahweh or the Highway."

   Oh-NO !! There's BLOOD in the toilet,,,,,,, I can't remember, is it “Red stool at night,, colon's delight. Red stool at morning,, bowels take warning.” Or the other way around???

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for country music.

   My favorite kinds of lists,,,,, # 1: short lists

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   Bees.. Bees.. the musical fruit, the more you eat,,,,, the more you get stung in your mouth and throat by bees

   New machine at the gym,,, Brilliant!! but I couldn't take any more after 30 mins,,,,,, It did everything: Kit-Kats, M&M's, Snickers, chips......

   There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.

   Please do me a solid and don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and extremely hard to light. -- The Janitor

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn't a very good one.

   List of things I've accomplished today:,,,,, #1 Make accomplishment list..............................................................

   The Andy Griffith funeral? Who knows.. he could be cremated...or.. they Mayberry him

   Thanks for calling the revolutionary tipline. Your call is important to us. Press: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 to hear these options in Spanish

   Being a parent in the South is so easy... You just have to shout "Simmer Down" every few days.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs