Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,, and just started enjoying reading and writing posts..

   My other palindrome is a kayak.................................... my new bumpersticker

   Gloria,,, Sometimes I still panic knowing that the rhythm is going to get me.

   Sometimes,,,, I don't like it at the grown-ups table.

   I don't like to boast,, So I don't....... I'm probably the best at not boasting,, Actually... The very best.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich... I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today

   My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.

   I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve?

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry

   What I lack in imagination,,, I make up.

   My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home,, and forgetting things.

   My Political-Plumber friend says it's --- Lefty liberal, Righty up-tighty

   Sometimes I'll play air bass instead of air guitar just to mess with people.

   I wouldn't be much of a trophy husband. I'd be more of a thanks-for-participating-ribbon husband.

   Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship

   When you put marshmallows in a ziploc bag, then label it "snowman's poop" just so you can show everyone at Show&Tell,,,, you're obviously gonna grow up and be a Superhero...