Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The side effects of the new medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea,,, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   My wife said I have to stop watching Chopped after I packed our son's lunchbox with wild ostrich, candy corn, avocado & rainbow chard.

   The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week,,,,, upsetting nearly 10 Americans.

   REALLY??.. You're on food stamps and using your IPhone 4 to complain about it on Facebook???.... This is why I sometimes feel like I should give up,,,,, why bother trying??

   If you quit school, just remember these two things... 1: You tried your best, and 2: I don't like pickles on my Big Mac.

   BREAKING NEWS: Governor Orders Statewide Car Wash To Induce Rain.

   Ancestry.com: The southern version of eHarmony.

   Hey people making fun of Canada : I think Bryan Adams & Nickleback were just warning shots,,,,,, Let's try not to REALLY anger them..

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   I FINALLY got a new i-phone,, and for those wondering how long it would take to get chocolate smudged in it?? Shut-up.

   Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years.... Yeah,, us guys tend to do better when we are properly supervised.

   OK..... Not making an Olympic Soccer joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   My refrigerator beeps for a problem, but it has trouble being more specific... "What's that, little guy? Timmy's fallen down the well?"

   The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want... No, It's fine. Go ahead.. I don't mind.. WHATEVER..

   Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish by using my voice to just sing in the car instead of to save the music industry..

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   I know "C.G.I." is getting more and more realistic,,,,, but I can almost always tell if a movie has real dinosaurs or not.

   Remember,,, Great sex is one involuntary fart away from being funny sex

   Hey,,,If you watch that last episode of Cops backwards, they uncuff my Dad, let him drive off recklessly, chase him, then give up..

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...