Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry... In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   I MAY have just clinched Olympic Gold,, by going 5 for 5,,, in my "popping the trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station." routine.

   Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.

   Whenever you refer to a "hot girl" in your story,,,, I'll say, "She wasn't that hot, But go on."

   Want to know something about me??? Well,,, ANYTHING a monkey points at,,,,, I will Immediately look at....

   Well YES,,,, Actually, I've been published in Several bathrooms throughout the Northeast...

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   Good judgement comes from experience. And all of that comes from bad judgment.

   We're all like corn.... Just passing through

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.

   I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash... He's gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES

   Here`s a bit of advice : advi

   If you get a recipe from a cannibal make sure it differentiates between ground chuck & ground Chuck.

   “I can't believe it's not butter!” - me watching Paula Deen use something other than butter as her first ingredient..