JOser Funny Status Messages

   It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.

   I hate when people say "have a nice day." Like I'm gonna be in anguish later then think "Oh yeah, Truck Driver guy told me to have a nice day."

   If you think about it, "This was the greatest day of my life" is a very pessimistic statement.

   Bumper stickers I'd like to give out: I BRAKE FOR NO REASON / MY OTHER SIGNAL IS OFF / HONK IF YOU HATE WAITING AT GREEN LIGHTS

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   I really don't think baby steps is an effective way of getting somewhere. For one thing, they fall on their faces half the time.

   I like to follow up a compliment with a threat. For example, "Nice shirt! I'll fight you for it."

   Dear Life, You have some explaining to do...

   Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!

   thinks that the worst part about not being able to log into Facebook is not having a place to complain about not being able to get on Facebook.

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine...

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.

   Will work for salary and benefits with an annual cost of living increase but not on weekends, statutory holidays, or during 3-week vacation.

   I see Coke is once again running their popular "Look Under the Cap to Try Again" contest.

   Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.

   I saw a PETA add with several attractive women saying “I'd rather go naked than wear fur”. Please, no one tell them there's a third option.

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.

   You can't talk to me that way. Seriously, turn towards me so I can hear what you're saying.

   I'd still be extremely impressed with a one trick pony if the trick were juggling.