Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   I just figured out my taxes & I have to pay.. But I have to do my part.. Otherwise some guy who paid no taxes in the 1st place wouldn't get a refund.

   Roses are red.... Violets are blue... I waited till the last second, and Hallmark was closed... So are you still mad at me or what?

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something

   sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force

   In addition to the Block,,, Facebook needs to add a Tackle option.

   "You must not only respect the pouch, but yourself as well." - Capri-Sun Tzu

   We couldn't afford to go to "SeaWorld",, So I took the kids to the fish market,, and it went like this.. Kids: Dad,, why aren't the fish moving? Me: Shhh,,,, the fish are sleeping.. Kids: But,,They're breaded ?Me: that's their blankie..

   I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

   "Slow, I say a-slow! Slow ride, I say. Take it easy now, I say, a-take it real easy, now I say." -Foghat Leghorn

   Dear automatic toilet,,,, I appeciate your enthusiasm,, but I wasn't done yet...

   Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   It's great that they're searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we've got to brace these people,, there's a good chace she's not alive

   I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.

   Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?

   My wife is out of town for the weekend... I've already slid across the floor in my socks and underwear...... Now what?

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt