Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I think we should replace the Marriage vow "`Til death do we part" with "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

   It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it

   Roses are grey,,, Violets are grey,,, Friggin'-Woof. I HATE being a dog..

   How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,

   Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off

   Life is too short to be a basketball player

   I'm wearing my heart in my chest again. The sleeve idea was dangerous and stupid

   I hate it when I the most important part of a post

   I think I hear an aftermarket muffler... I guess that means my pizza is here.

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

   Vanilla Ice wasn't as terrible as he's been made out to be... He's just had a bad rap.

   If my "check engine" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it.

   My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   Are you there God? It's me, chocolate... They keep putting me on raisins..... I KNOW,,,It's weird huh?

   I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.

   Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?

   Like my dad always says,, "Find out what you don't do well,, and then don't do it.".. It's one of our Family Traditions...

   Last night I tried to hang myself with about 20 bungee cords... If you're wondering,,, I almost died a bunch of times

   MyWife: Remove my dress..Good.. Now slowly unhook my bra.. Nice..Take off my panties.. Mmm great......NOW DON'T EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!