Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   It was the busta rhymes,,, It was the wursta rhymes

   An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...

   Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".

   Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.

   Not to be too braggy but I can put 72 m&m's in my mouth at once.. One went down my windpipe and I'm on my way to the ER now,,,,, but still.

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   I once dated a woman named Deb who hated to be called Deborah. Then I dated a woman named Tammi who really hated to be called Deborah

   I'm just surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

   HEY,, I wrote the manual on ADD.. Well, it's 3 sentences,,,, The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   "I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls

   I wanted to put my hair in a bun,, but the hairdresser was all out of sourdough... (giant cane trys to pull me off stage,, but I backflip over it)

   "What have I done?!!.... EVERYBODY RUN !!" -Creator of the boomerang

   Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact

   Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.

   How come Yoko Ono didn't marry someone from Nickleback instead?

   If you use the phrase tig ol' bitties with any seriousness, I'm certain that your ancestors weren't happy with how the Civil War turned out.

   Ask your wife if she's done talking,,,, and you've just GUARANTEED she's not..... Ask me how I know,,,,