Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I don't want to say our Mom's cooking was bad,,, but, Years Ago,, we just filled the shaker with smelling salt...

   John has 36 kit kat bars and He eats 30 of them. What does that leave John with?........................ Diabetus,, John has "The diabetus."

   M.I.T. is making an iPhone app to help blind people text?.... Wow,, the LAST thing we need is a bunch of blind a-holes texting while they drive.

   Sorry I Liked your dog dying.... But, they don't really give us any other buttons.

   Well,, It's like this,,,,, My car makes this funny noise whenever I run over a clown...

   Comin' up next on Mythbusters: Does Democracy REALLY work??.. ( high-speed footage of Buster being shot out of a cannon and into a voting booth.. )

   Evidently,,,,,, my admirers are all secret

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)

   Sometimes, when I don't want my wife to find something,,, I put it in her purse.

   "Oh, you're gonna eat the peach cobbler first??,, huh fatty??,,,,, You sicken me." - Mean Cuisine

   O Lord, give me the superpowers to change the things I cannot accept with serenity. ....Amen.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   In lieu of the formal presidential debates,,, Let's just play Micheal Jackson's "Beat It",,, and eliminate the candidate that claps on 1 and 3

   I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.

   So there's a t.v. show called, It's Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.

   Sad news. Morgan Freeman passed away again today. ..This is twice in two months

   O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.

   Oh you jumped on the elevator to go ONE floor?,,, Your cankles must be so tired.....