Snotty Funny Status Messages

   So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?

   Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful they saw you through your teeenage years and didn't kill you

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a wife

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you

   What bores me is repetition, i.e. when people repeat themselves. It's boring and repetitive. Boring. Like repetitive posts. They bore me.

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.

   Looking back on my time taking flight lessons,, I realize why I could never be a pilot. Not because I'm afraid to fly or couldn't handle instructions from the tower,,, but because I kept making machine gun noises at EVERYTHING I saw.

   Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

   As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.

   I Just backed into a Jaguar, but I left him a note on my bank statement,, so he knows not to bother calling

   After all this time,,,How much Foo is there really left to fight?

   What's black, white, has gills but flies and is available at book stores??.................I don't know, nothing probably, cuz that's ridiculous.

   Hey Jessica Biel,,,,,,,,, Please,, Please,, Please,, name your kid Batmo

   The Movie "Independance Day" is SO unrealistic.. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & NOT ONCE did it ask if he wanted to upgrade his Adobe.

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray