Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If Evolution were REALLY a real thing,,,,, A LONG time ago, Men would have developed a defence to the ole "kick in the nuts"

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   I tried killing a loose bat in the garage with an empty paper towel tube. After a few weak whacks,,, we both laughed & shared a fruit roll-up

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least a thousand dollars.

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisin cookies in the world and throw them in the trash.

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam

   Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance

   as I'm getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who's staying on and say,, “You're in charge while I'm gone.”

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   Growing up,,, My daughter always wanted to be a "Disney" princess,,,,, : Darth Vader

   I want a Life Alert necklace,,,, but instead of calling an ambulance it orders me a pizza

   Sometimes,,, I wish marriage between a man and woman was illegal too.

   I hope that Donald Trump's toupee is spared from the wrath of Hurricane Sandy... Be safe, little ferret

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups,,,, huh Bloomberg??

   The books aren't nearly as cute once you find out Waldo is a deadbeat dad.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.

   Flooding, check... Earthquake, check... Hurricane, check,,,, Locusts..where are my damn locusts?......... That's it,, I'm calling the exec. producer

   Sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to disagree?.. I've travelled the world and ate 7 peas... Everybody's lookin fo Dunkin...