Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.

   I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay

   I finally got a new prophetic leg... I'm starting physical therapy on Monday.... Also Courteney Cox dies while parasailing next May...

   I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...

   Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

   I don't like using public restrooms,,,, Mostly because I've seen the public.

   I'm very, very, very descriptive

   My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”

   What's the largest "Jousting Lance" I can attach to the hood of my car,,,, legally?

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.

   Well,, It took 40 years to finally figure out the answer to the "what do you want to be when you get older" question..................... Younger

   Well... It's taken 3 hours to glue a top hat & cane to this frog but still no "hello my baby, hello my honey" song & dance... Cartoons lie kids

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them

   I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.