Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.

   Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...

   You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

   DID YOU KNOW : They automatically qualify you for AARP if you provide an " AOL" email address

   The wife held eye contact with me as she released a long fart,,,,, if you're wondering what a couple of 20 yrs does after the kid's in bed.

   I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...

   Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?

   Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait

   Sorry,,,, My dog ate my homework. -Culinary student.

   Bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here".... Two time travelers walk into a bar.

   It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.

   Getting a cavity filled tomorrow... Geesh, I hate going to the airport

   BREAKING NEWS: Geologists locate mountain high enough... Valley low enough still elusive...

   Point.. Wink.. Shoot finger gun.. Blow smoke from tip of finger gun.. Wipe prints off finger gun.. Bury finger gun where no one can find it.

   I took a nap... Well, actually I was jumping on the bed and the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious,,,,,,,,,,,,,, But still

   According to my Domino's Pizza Tracker,,, It's currently in my lower colon...

   It's like my dad always said,,,, "Don't call me Dad."