flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car

   Sometimes I like to order my food "to go" then eat the whole thing at the counter while staring the cashier right in the eye

   Sitting on the plane. Stewardess said pilot passed out can somebody fly the plane? Took me almost 10 hours just to get it off the runway.

   Old movies make train travel look so romantic, but who in this day and age has time to solve a murder mystery?

   When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. No one could imagine why he was my friend.

   I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

   FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" is not really a good defense in court

   A watched pot never boils, but an un-watched pot boils over, so I don't know what you want from me life!

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.

   Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   I used to work for a psychic, and when I quit I didn't have to give two weeks notice.

   I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

   My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

   Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."

   I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".

   Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes.

   When the interviewer asks "Why do you want to work here?" don't answer "you'll find out!" and laugh maniacally

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   Fun thing to do #78 When you order a Coke and the waiter asks, "Is Pepsi okay?" shout "WHAT AM I, AN ANIMAL?"

   The people that cheer and high five after their family member gives a dumb answer on Family Feud are better people than me