Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "extra cheese" should be the average amount of cheese on everything.

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings

   I know I can go to NAPA to buy truck nuts... But where can I go to get my Prius vajazzled ??

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.

   I despise dictatorships... All dictators should be shot,,, and if anybody disagrees with me,,, they should be shot as well.

   I asked a Mexican bartender for a double entendre,,, So he gave me Juan.

   NEWS FLASH: Scientists still baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies, own guns, and play video games,,, but not shoot each other.

   Well my dentist is getting a stool sample whether he wants one or not.

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear.

   I have a black belt in leather

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   The words synonym and antonym are antonyms.. Well played, antonym......... Well played

   If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   Every Maine-ah,,, at the age of 10 has to battle a moose to the death, using only the aid of 4 beavers...