Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".

   Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   So, I hear there was a big party last night to watch Justin Bieber's balls drop.

   For your information, we'll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was entertaining to look at.

   I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.

   So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   I'm re-enacting Titanic today, I'm at the part where Jack is in his underwear on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

   You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   We are going to practice this chest bump celebration until we get it right, Grandma... Quit screwing around at the bottom of the staircase.

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.

   I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.