Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that

   OKAY!!! OKAY!!!...... We're prepared to meet ALL your demands!.................. Just put the sharpie on the floor, and kick it over to daddy.... Please, for the love of God,, Please?

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School??.. COP: ???... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School,,, Sir?

   "I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--

   What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.

   Almost a 1000 posts, And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.. Well, It's not really a t-shirt, more of a hospital gown. And this afternoon, I get to go for a supervised walk.

   Micheal J. Fox and Muhammad Ali met for the first time yesterday........ And yes,, They are Still shaking hands..

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   FYI: Every year the Justice League puts kryptonite candles on Superman's birthday cake,, just to fool him into thinking he's getting too old..

   Women are NOT difficult to understand.................. They're impossible to understand.

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer

   The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

   If you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.