Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex..... Now birds keep crashing into my armpits

   Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as "The Peas".

   Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Either that milk was bad,,,,, Or they don't actually make onion Chobani flavored Captain Crunch

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.

   If this van's a rockin'?,,, the front wheel must have come off the cinder block... Just knock on the trailer door, someone's usually home

   Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don't want to attract any attention.

   Hey Jonah,,, Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   Ever had garbage in one hand, but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand?..... Anyway, my grand-daughter's o.k.

   I clicked on one of those " You've been unfriended by 3 people" messages,,,,,,,,,,, Now it burns when I post..

   Hey,,,, I said I'd be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.

   Being married for 20 years,,, our Valentine's gift to each other is usually staying awake past 8:30

   My wife got a "mood ring" that turns green when she's happy,, and leaves a big red mark on my forehead when she's mad.