Snotty Funny Status Messages

   In "Hipster Jeopardy", all contestants must phrase their responses in the form of irony.

   11 out of 10 centipedes go bankrupt when they go bowling.

   About 73% of the time, I just make up percentages

   Well,, If you're gonna be "Polically Correct" about the Pledge of Alliegance... You might as well be 'Geo-Politically correct" and change the Pledge to " One Nation,, under Canada"

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   I think KFC should expand their menu to include a 30 piece bucket of original recipe/ extra crispy skin.

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   He was a good dog. He was a smart, very good boy. Who was a good dog? Who's a hansome, good boy? Was it you? Yes it was..—---Dog obituary

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   I sold my homing pigeon 137 times last year on eBay............................................................................Ha, Ha.

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   If I were a proctologist,,, I'd walk into every examining room with fake hook-hands, cuz,,,,,,,, well, you know

   I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies

   If you love something, set it free... Maybe not sharks though, Or bees. Or viruses, Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   But Officer,,,, I was in the Gifted & Talented program, and I need to move at my own pace.

   Give a man a fish, And he'll eat for a day,,, turn a man into a fish, and I have NO IDEA I DIDNT EXPECT THAT TO WORK, KEEP SWIMMING GEORGE!! HOLD ON!?

   I love this oscillating fan 5 out of every 15 seconds