Snotty Funny Status Messages
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Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.
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08-20-2016 10:16 by Snotty
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Gone with the Wind in 60 Seconds #2FilmsBecome1
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08-20-2016 08:49 by Snotty
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FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.
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08-20-2016 08:46 by Snotty
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I've time traveled almost an infinite number of times to stop myself from eating too much pizza, but every time,, future me just joins past me in eating it*
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08-20-2016 07:14 by Snotty
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Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M
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08-18-2016 19:15 by Snotty
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Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.
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08-17-2016 23:36 by Snotty
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And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags
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08-17-2016 23:29 by Snotty
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Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING!
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08-17-2016 21:36 by Snotty
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Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.
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08-17-2016 21:25 by Snotty
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Well, One place that HASN'T recovered from the financial recession is Atlantis,,, I came back from a visit last week and sadly,, most every house I saw ,,,, Still entirely underwater
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08-17-2016 20:55 by Snotty
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Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools
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08-17-2016 19:49 by Snotty
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Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks of office, not sure when is the right time to ask if aliens are real?
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08-16-2016 20:46 by snotty
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Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
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08-14-2016 21:08 by Snotty
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Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.
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08-13-2016 20:16 by Snotty
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Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
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08-13-2016 20:09 by Snotty
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9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.
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08-11-2016 18:39 by Snotty
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Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.
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08-11-2016 18:34 by Snotty
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Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.
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08-11-2016 18:30 by Snotty
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If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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08-11-2016 18:22 by Snotty
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10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood... 1: Get... 2: Your... 3: Slow-ass... 4: Car... 5: Out... 6: Of... 7: The... 8: Frigging... 9: Left... 10: Lane
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08-11-2016 18:16 by Snotty
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