Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   Just beat a mime to death with my air guitar.

   Blowing out birthday candles,, must be really frustrating for baby dragons.

   FYI: A great white shark, is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   My favorite part of an oil change is when they show you the air filter,,, and then look at you like you're a disgusting pig.

   My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I'm Just Napping

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   On Fridays I like to spend my lunch at the old folks home dragging my feet around the carpet and shocking them...... I saved 8 lives last month

   I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: If you stamp on Trump's foot,, his hair pops straight up like a trash can lid.

   Heck,,, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   What??? You want me to travel to Manila to pick up some envelopes??

   Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.

   If you took all the babies on earth and stacked them head to toe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, That would be kidnapping.

   I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.

   I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"