Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.

   My wife and I keep a running score of who laughs first when one of the kids says something wildly inappropriate

   I've been checking the box at the fire department but there's never any babies in it.. Whoever's beating me to it..YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PER VISIT.

   Hello 911?,,, I need to report a kidnapping....yeah, there's a baby goat asleep in my lap,,. No, don't send cops,, you'll wake him up

   Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?

   North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding, driving Kia's all around town. No wait..... Hamsters, I hate hamsters

   (overheard in Horse-ville)....."All in favour of this-here horse for president say Yea"... *silence*.... "All those opposed say Nay"... And that's why Horse-ville has been without a president for over 200 years ..

   I'm a little disappointed that the Supreme Court proceedings this week didn't begin with,,,,, "Mawage.. Mawage is wot bwings us togever today."

   Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.... The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!

   It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   ME: When is "trash day?"............ NEIGHBOR: Umm,,, we don't observe "trash day"