Snotty Funny Status Messages

   PRO PARENTING TIP: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest... .2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's ten... 3. When he asks you about the picture, stare silently into the ceiling for 10 min. then make chirping noise

   Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."

   Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth

   If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed

   Yeah,, I've tried boxers before,, but everytime I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants..

   ProTip: Get hoarders addicted to crack,,, they'll sell off all their crap.......... Boom, problem solved.

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   My BEST ever fart,, was the one that made my Grandmother turn round and say "Robert? Who's Robert?"

   Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.

   I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan,, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for up to another 6 minutes?

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   I don't another superpower... When I lift my son to let his hand touch the ceiling,, I see it in his eyes.

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.

   I know,,,, Let's vote the pool water off that new celebrity diving show

   Was I supposed to put the stripper in the cake before or after I bake it?.. Either way,, I gotta hide this body.. It's starting to smell

   Got fired from Bath and Body Works. Apparently coming up behind customers & whispering, "it puts the lotion in the basket," is frowned upon.