Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"

   LISTEN,, I know I said that I acquired language skills in utero, but perhaps I spoke too soon.

   How am I supposed to know if this cucumber fits if I can't take it into the changing room?

   If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been hacked.

   Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...

   And that's why I don't have a boat.

   David Caruso finds the bomber dead in a boat,,,"Looks like someone could've used a...." (removes shades)... "Life preserver."

   If I lose a hand, accident or not,, I'd replace it with a prosthetic gavel. Just so you can see that I'm judging you, and for garlic competitions.

   Sometimes I feel like babies only wanna hang out with you so they have someone to scream at...

   I think I'm gonna go hit the sack,,,, and then maybe go to bed

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   never gotten the amount of cheese grated on my pasta I want in a restaurant because I feel guilty when the waiter starts looking fatigued

   Studies show we aren't doing anything right.

   The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   I just learned the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million..... How long did someone have to stay awake to figure that out?

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.