Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I just read the "100 things to do before you die" list.... I'm kinda surprised that "call 911" didn't make the cut.

   When asked if I'm a cat or dog person, I always reply. 'It depends,, what wine are you serving?'

   If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

   I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something....... I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes

   Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)

   "DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube

   I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.

   How about we start being thankful everyday,,, then have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?... It could even be tied somehow to Festivus

   Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel.... (leans in close).. You gonna arrest Jesus?

   After knocking all the mens hats off, Bill was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to"........

   Remember,,, It takes more muscles to frown at a donut than to eat it.

   I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.

   Together,, I can beat schizophrenia

   *walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*

   At the hospital, I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   I'm already an idiot, I just need a village

   My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent.

   A fun thing to do during an argument is bring up every irrelevant detail from past arguments until you win & die alone.