Snotty Funny Status Messages

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   Oh Yeah??,,, Nothing useful in Skymall, eh??.. Okay, (affixes mini umbrellas to shoes)... Enjoy your wet feet

   If worse comes to worst you can always get her a glass of Mother’s Day water.

   Half way to my mom's place for Mother's Day,,, only have about 3 more feet of digging.

   My kids are Half-British and Half-Southern......... I pray for their teeth everyday.

   The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most.... And then using it against them.

   What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?

   My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

   I'm "Relieved my plans got canceled last minute so I can go to bed early.",,,,,,,, years old.

   My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that notices all of your faults and reminds you about them daily.

   it’s 2013, why does google maps not have a Parkour option? pretty sure I could get to that Burger King in 90 seconds with Parkour moves

   A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along

   My 6 year old tried to karate chop a watermelon at the supermarket. Thanks Fruit Ninja

   I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to

   The irony of my phone trying to autocorrect "nutrition" into "burrito" is not at all lost on me.

   Mmm-Kay,,, The recipe said "turn the oven to 180 degrees," so I did... But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   A Gary Busey can lose up to 30 000 teeth in its lifetime.