Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news, his ring is missing.

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.

   Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.

   Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor,,, It doesn't matter.

   My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!

   From time to time, I like to remind my daughter's boyfriend of the very real danger of falling I'll from a sudden, gunshot related illness.

   ur honor, I call GOD as my witness... *jury gasps*... *nothing happens*...*slowly, a man with a beard rises from the stands*... Dammit No Gary,,, sit down

   Please pray that Jamie Lee Curtis finally eats enough goddamn yogurt that she poops

   Canadian civics lesson: The Prime Minister,, is a minister who cannot be divided by any other ministers except for himself and one minister.

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   I've written "sorry about your cat" on WAY too many personal checks.

   Last night I lied in bed, looking at the stars & thought..... Where in the heck did my ceiling go..

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   I bet people in Turkey sleep good all the time.

   ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling

   WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)

   I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

   Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing