Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   It wasn’t until I tasted the chewy monkey bits through the chocolate & peanut butter,, that I realized I accidentally bought Rhesus Pieces.

   Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.

   PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had

   Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.

   Just want to thank all the people who reviewed "Star Wars" on Netflix. You guys swayed me, I'll check it out

   If the Starbucks is less than a block away, it's an extension of your house and you can go in your pajamas.. That's the law

   I love riding my red Mustang into work,,, but I am tired of people complaining about horse crap in the parking lot.

   Hey Canada,,, This is getting kinda boring, how about you let US be on top for a change?

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.

   I actually Luke autocorrect

   I believe success,, is making it in and out of a public restroom without touching anything.

   A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS.... Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already

   hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*reads box* oh,,, this is Synonym Toast Crunch