Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Looked up "Google" in an encyclopedia and all it said was,,, "Ah, crap."

   Peeing in the bath to rewarm it for her is not as romantic as you may think.

   I get my kicks below the waistline, sunshine,,, because that's where my legs are, and I'm pretty sure you need those for kicking.

   I'd rather live each day as if it's my 2nd to last day. My last day will probably involve a lot of blood and I'm a little bit squeamish.

   Before Faceb00k I hated waiting rooms. Now I'm like, sit in one spot for an hour? Yes, please

   "I love speaking for others" --- ventriloquists

   Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

   Dang,,, I really respect an effective slow clap

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   A friend that steals your tortilla chips is, Nacho friend.

   I guess eBay brings out my competitive side........Anyway, this $1,800 can of peas better be good.

   Some people don't know anything about women. And those people are men.

   5 out of 6 people really enjoy Russian roulette.

   Michael J. Fox has friended and unfriended me 45 times in the last 30 seconds.

   Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?

   My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number..... Big shout out to the ex,, for pissing in my gene pool.

   If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

   No, you idiot! I said 'avert' your eyes, not 'invert' them. Wow, that's disgusting!

   I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.